My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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