we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
