So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
