i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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