I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
