I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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