i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
