Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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