How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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