I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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