this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I need a beard to bite.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
