I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
