on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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