a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
