DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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