Whatcha textin bout Willis?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
