The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
