Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
