Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
