there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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