I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
