I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
