Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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