I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
