it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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