We're like a lot better than the average bears
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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