i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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