I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
