At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
a search helicopter?!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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