i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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