My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
