you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
