I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
