people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The air was thick with penises
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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