Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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