there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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