i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
