It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
