oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
