the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
