Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
