I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
