So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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