i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
