I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
