You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
