i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
