they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
