This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
