so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
